11/20/2018, 4:30 pm: Kyle, a suburban father who just turned 34, arrives home from work. He enters the house to greet his wife, Laura, and their 3 children: Mary (4), David (3) and Matthew (1)….
Kyle: I’m home!
David: Daddyyyyy!!!! Happy birthday!
Matthew: Hap birdeeeee!
Laura: Happy birthday honey!
Kyle: Why thank you!
Mary: Daddy we made you some cards!
Kyle: Oh how n—
Mary: -and we set the table with a tablecloth.
Kyle: Cool that looks so won–
Mary: -and we did art for you!
Laura: Did you do anything special for your birthday at work?
Kyle: Scored a free lunch at Mexican Village!
Laura: Good for you!
Kyle: I know.
Laura: So I have to leave for the parent teacher conference in five minutes.
Kyle: Sounds good—wait is that romaine lettuce you’re mixing?
Laura: Yeah why?
Kyle: There was a recall for romaine lettuce across the country today.
Laura: Are you kidding me!?
Mary: David stop pulling the table cloth off the table!
Me: Yeah I just learned about it.
Laura: I’m supposed to bring salad for the parent teacher conferences!
Mary: Daddy! David is pulling the tablecloth!
Me: Do we have other options?
Laura: We have spring mix, does that have romaine lettuce?
Kyle: Let me Google it.
Mary: Daddy the table cloth!
Kyle: Hold on Mary.
Laura: Spring mix has to be different.
Kyle: It says here spring mix includes romaine
Matthew: GeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeeee!
Laura: Seriously???
Kyle: Ditch it, they can live without veggies for one evening.
Laura: Actually no, we already ate this stuff before and we’re fine.
Kyle: I don’t want to get sued.
Laura: Oh wait we have spinach and kale!
Mary: DADDY LISTEN TO ME!!!!
Kyle: What Mary what do you want??
Mary: THE TABLE CLOTH!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: Mary, we’ll deal with it later.
Laura: This salad dressing tastes awful
Kyle: No one will remember you as the mom who blew it with the salad dressing
Laura: Uh oh we gotta go.
Kyle: So who’s staying and who’s going?
Laura: Mary’s coming with me.
Kyle: You hear that, Mary? Get your jacket and shoes on.
Mary: Daddy we need to fix the table cloth.
Kyle: Mary let it go.
Mary: And I need you to hang up my art.
Kyle: Seriously?
Laura: Mary let’s go!
Kyle: You know what, now that I think about it, the conferences are for the entire school going up to the sixth grade, why are they making pre-school parents bring all the food in the first place?
Laura: I don’t know-David let go of Mary!!!
David: Daddy can I have cookies?!
Kyle: Don’t they realize – no David – don’t they realize pre-school parents have monkeys jumping around the house?
Matthew: DAAAAAAA!!!!!
Laura: I don’t know-Mary come on!
Kyle: Evil crooks.
Mary: Daddy you need tape to hang up my art!
Kyle: Mary you need to get ready.
Mary: Ughhh!
Laura: Mary here are your shoes.
David: I wanna go too!
Kyle: No way.
Laura: There’s a pizza in the fridge for when we get back.
David: Daddy can I have cookies?
Laura: I’m going to get the car started.
Kyle: Matthew don’t crawl through the door you’re staying with me.
Matthew: Nonononoooooo!
David: Daddy I’m getting cookies
Kyle: No you’re not get—wait why are you standing on the stool?! Get down from the counter!!!
David: PUT MEEEEE DOWN!!!!!!!
Laura: sorry honey bye!!
Kyle: bye!
Mary: don’t forget to fix the table cloth!
(door slams)
Kyle:…so…..who wants to watch a movie?
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